Hello

Its been something like 6 months sense I last posted. I doubt I'll ever post after this. I'm moving on with my life. At least I'm trying too. I weigh 110 pounds. And I'm HAPPY with every single pound of it. I'm graduating high school early after this summer I'll only be in high school for 4 months. Then I'm free from school. After that I'm moving to Sweden to live with my uncle, and become a live in nanny.  Life is good, its hard, a constant struggle, but still good. I just wanted to leave this last post letting anyone who might drop by know that I'm safe, and healthy. And getting on with my life.
I know its hard, to eat. But life is so much better now. I'd never try to preach to you, or force you into anything. when your read know that it will be hard, but its worth it. To live! Please my beautiful ladys, don't waste your precious lives. I love every one of you, because your so strong. And so brave, and so beautiful!

Live your life for you, and be happy for you!

Do whats best for YOU!

Love S

never enough, a new me

a great girl and one of my favorite bloggers suggest making a new blog for the new me. and i love the idea so girls come over to my new blog. its not going to be a pro ana blog its going to be a recovery blog.

http://neverenough-a-newme.blogspot.com/2011/01/new-me.html

and i just want to say thank you to all the girls and good friends who commented on my last post you girls reminded me why i loved blogger so much. i love you girls thank you

xoxo S

to long

i've been gone for to long.  i've been trying to do a lot in my life. i've been trying to be healthy and do good for my self. that is why i have been gone for a long time. i'm not sure why i'm posting this i doubt anyone cares about this blog. and truthfully i feel i've lost my will to write in here. i'm forcing every word, grasping and sentiences that dont even fell like mine.  so i went to another treatment, spent Christmas away. and cried more than i though i could. at the moment i feel i was worth the pain, but in a week or two i mite feel differently. i'm fat to my standers skinny to others. 108.31 pounds and counting every day. i eat 4 meals and 2 snacks a day. i hate every bite. but i'm good. and felt like i needed to say this so anyone who cared(i doubt there is any) would know. so now you know and i know i feel like i have nothing to say. i mite post some more soon but i find it hard to keep writing here. it reminds me of when i am very bad and very sick.

well thats all i guess. and i love you girls that helped me through the hard days, i love you and i'm sorry i abandoned you

lots of love S

I'm well

Me? Well I'm well. 
Well I mean I'm in hell. 
Well, I still have my health.


_{At least that's what they tell me.}
If wellness is this, 
what in hell's name is sickness?






Tired...tired of being yelled at...tired of people expecting me to get out of their way...tired of people lying to me...tired of getting hurt...tired of remembering...tired of feeling like shit...tired of being told that I'm not good enough...tired of regretting...tired of this empty feeling that always seems to take over...tired of people killing each other...tired of people ripping each other apart with words...tired of people not caring...tired of wishing I was dead and gone...tired of constantly being reminded of my losses..tired of being asked why I'm this way...tired of feeling so alone...tired of trying my best to find a reason for my life...tired of being told that these scars will fade in time...tired because I know that's not true...these scars will never fade. I'll never be able to forget.






As I shiver
in the predawn cold
    of early morning
the pain of a hundred aches
and the dryness of my eyes
conspire
to drag me down to a level
where I am tired
where I lust for sleep
how I long for
the soft grey rain
to wash away those bitter hopes
when sunrise comes and brings
  yet more things to be done

tea party fuckers

get your asses to the tea party!

http://www.chathour.com/chatroom/Oh_you_little...

tea party!

The tea party is tonight! do what you need to do and join us or forever regret missing it!

http://bitemebabyx.blogspot.com/2010/11/lick-hobo.html 


in other news. i have been lying by not telling. ok not really but i have been posting about things that have nothing to do with weight loss. why you ask? because the fact that my life is just a never ending circle of eat lie weigh puke eat lie weigh puke, kills me inside. i am at the peek of my young life i should be out partying laughing and loving life. i'm not. i am a fat bloated lie of a teenage girl. i am depressed no manic no cry for attention no a liar. i am another hour for dr. pleasure to have to listen to lie. i am 1,500 calories three deferent therapy's 100 deferent lies and weigh ins ever wednesday. 

last time i weighed in i didnt even tell you. why? because i cried when i saw the number. 105. i'm getting fatter, and its breaking my heart. my real weight is 103.08. still disgusting. i dont want to be fat again. it took me years of pain and lies and lost friendships to get this skinny. if i get fat i'll have nothing. i'll be fat ugly little girl with no friends and no hobbys. i wont be anything good. I am the skinny girl. and it scars me to think what i would be with out it.

i cried four time this week. 

i feel weird about saying this. i used to never cry. my family doesnt cry. 



i should be doing homework. i have a huge essay do monday(a day after my birthday). i only have one paragraph done. and i feel like cry because i know if i dont get it done i'll look like a failure to every one at the school. last year my teacher always told me i was her favorite student, i got treated special. this year she tolerates me, i can see in her eyes i am a disappointment. i am disgusting. 

intake:

B: tea(0) the rest was fed to the puppy
L squash soup(400) 

they days not over yet. 


i hope to see you all at tea tonight.

http://bitemebabyx.blogspot.com/2010/11/lick-hobo.html 

my heart!

my heart goes out to all you lovely ladies who support and comment on my blog. i love you all so much!

I LOVE YOU ALL

 K

Taylor 

zette 

 Lovely Me 

Cora

 Starving Artist 

Sarah 

 Helen

AnaNae

Lilah Lee 

i give you my heart because you all rock so much. your blogs are amazing and i love you with all my heart. 

cartoons

I'm watching Invader Zim. i love this show. it reminds me of Sunday morning curled up on the couch eating  breakfast with daddy and not worrying about a thing. 


what happened to those days?


do you want to know what i did today? i started reading a book about Hiroshima. its about servivors and there accounts of the day and days after the bomb was dropped. its terrifying and sad. i started cry because i worried what would happen if that happened here.i started crying because my puppy and kitties would probably die. i sobbed for like and hour for all the animals that would die. i didnt once think about my family or friends(more like friend) 


does that mean i am heartless? i dont think so because i love those people...but i care for animals more? i dont know why. truthfully some times i feel like i dont know my self at all. 


i think i wanted to say something in this post but i cant remember. oh well. 

intake:
B: 1 cup rice(200)
L: 2 cups rice (400)
D: squash soup(500) 2 p/ bread (200)

i actually threw most of my lunch and breakfast out my bedroom window. 

i should be doing homework. but i'm not, i'm too tired. well not really i'm just lying to my self. i've been fucking around on the computer all day and not doing anything. seriously i need to get a hobby i do nothing all day except obsess over calories, read, and sleep with the puppy. any ideas for hobby's? 

tea party!

You are invited to the super fun lovely bad ass tea party!!!


TIME: 4pm(California time) 12 midnight GMT, 8pm New York, and in Aussie its some time Saturday.
on Friday nov. 12th(two days before my b day :)
place: http://www.chathour.com/chatroom/Oh_you_little...


bring a cup of tea(or your preferred beverage) 




you'll need to sign up @ http://www.chathour.com/chatroom/Oh_you_little...
then you need to go to- http://bitemebabyx.blogspot.com/  and leave a comment telling you user name 


it is a closed chat room so you need to leave your name that you create at K 's blog or you wont be able to get in! once you are invited, witch K will do, you can use the chat room as much as you want. We would like to do this ever week so we can really get to know each other! so please join us and have tea.




I hope to see you all! and please post this to your blog so we can have a huge tea party!!!!!! 




In other news! well nothing really i havent done anything today except school work and sleeping, and of course i've been reading all your lovely blogs!


intake:


B: 1 cup of rice(200) the rest i threw away 
L: 2 cup of rice(400) and a little chop suey(100)
D: home made veggie enchilada(800)


total cal intake 1,500


so ya i have to be careful of feeding the puppy my food or he'll end up really fat. and ya so i'll probably only eat half the enchilada because my parents are busy tonight so they wont be paying to  much attention. 


well good bye for now lovelys and dont forget to sign up at chathour.com and send K a message! 


lots of love S xoxo   

will you kill me?

ya i fucking wish i was died.

so yesterday i went to a family birthday party for my little cousin who is only 10, shes like the cutes thing ever. anywho i over heard her telling a friend she wants to start on a diet. what the fuck? i had to bite my lip to stop from sobing. shes 10!!! and shes nothing but bones as it is! why would she want to diet? so then i got it in my mind that it was my fauly(it is) so when we ate i sat next to her and had 4 pieces of pizza and ice cream and buffalo wings(at leat 3,000 cal) and i kept giving her food. but then when we left i sat in the bathroom sobbing and puking my guts out. i puked untill nothing but yellow watery stuff came up. and then i puked some more. 


no wonder my cousin felt fat and wanted to diet. i am a horrible role model


i wont ever have kids util this sickness is gone! 


so then i thought maybe i should try to get better(?)
now i am so confused i dont know what i want to do. i want to die! 


yesterdays cal intake


B: none(fed it to the puppy)
L: 4 pieces of pizza(2,000) rounded up
D: 3 buffalo wings(210)
S: 1 scoop of ice cream(600) rounded up
total cal 2,810


todays cal intake 
B: persimmon(20) the rest i fed to the puppy
L: persimmon(20) left over chop suey(400) rice(200)
D: i haven had it yet... i hope its small


total cal intake 640


and i went to the gym for an hour to day


1 hour on treadmill at 12 speed (300) 
run to gym(50) run home(50)
then i did 2 hours of zumba and ti boa (300) i dont really know 


also K  i love you. your so smart and cool and your blog is so bad ass. you idea is awesome! 

now something cute for you, the last one is the puppy