thinking of the lady!

 I just threw up. I mix pills and whine and threw up all over my neighbors shrub. i think its a shrub it mite be a bush. or a midget tree. oh well. its 80 degrees out at midnight(really i just checked)...its weird but i feel warm for once. i'm not sure if its the weather or the self medicating thats making me warm. either way i like it. 

  my hands wont stop shaking, im not sure why. and my eyes refuse to focus for more than a few seconds at a time.

i cant stop think of the lady!! ha the lady my old boyfriend used to call it that...when i first started i would just call it heroin, but after you really start to use. when you really start to get to know the drug it develops a personality(much like anorexia thus the name ana) so i started calling it the lady as well. anywho getting off track. i miss my sweet evil lady so much!

i miss how every noise sounds like it coming threw a tunnel. 

 i miss how i feel like i'm watching a movie when really i'm just watching people

i miss the way my body tingles

 i miss the feeling rite after you sniff the lady

i miss the way it feels when someone touches you

 i miss the way it makes me feel beautiful!

i miss her so bad!

ok now i'm rabaling so i'll say goodnight 

-S

p.s my j key is all fucked up and i have to smash it like a million time for it to work! its super frustrating..but it is kinda my fault for spilling tea on the computer oops 

beach drive

i'm feeling better today but the circle has started again i only slept about an hour last night. i know tomorrow i wont sleep at all. i'm driving to the beach today so i had to eat something. i know from experience driving takes alertness, or ells you'll black out behind the wheel and thats never good. so i ate  10 raisins half a lemon cucumber and cup of green tea.  i'm happy to be going to the beach its hot out so it'll be nice. i haven't been to the beach in like 2 weeks.

where do rain drops go?

Forgotten rain drops Left behind from last nights rain storm, Slowly drip from the rusty old gutter onto the cold cracked cement. Plop, plop, plop. One right after the other They end there lives as rain drops. Who knows what wonders they will encounter in there next life. Maybe they will evaporate into a great cloud once again. They will be dumped onto scorched desert ground nourishing dieing crops That will feed a whole village of hungry souls. Or maybe they will cause great distress As people in a small town somewhere far away watch As there homes are washed away by a tremendous flood. Or maybe,  Just maybe this is the end of their road. They will fall onto the cement and sink deep within it Never to be seen again. I guess ill never know where rain drops go.

bad bad bad. it happened i finally fell. and i fell hard.

well first the good. i slept! witch is good, but i fell of the wagon and self medicated to get to sleep. which i a big no no. i was 5  month sober. then last night i pop a oxycotin so i could sleep. i slept for 10 hours!!! I know i'm elated about it. i haven't been this clear headed in ages!.....but now for the bad. and i mean really bad. after about 9 days with out eating(i did have tea and other drinks) i lost it and ate half a cheese burger, frys, and a shake. but now sense I've gone so long without eating my body's rebelling against me. its a fitting punishment. i have triable diarrhea i can barely leave the toilet... so i feel bad without eating and i get deathly sick when i do eat. its a good punishment for being such a pig. and all the food i ate is being flushed out..no weight gain! ha its the natural laxative. so thats all for now its the moms birthday so i need to go get ready.

-S

hungry rambalings

I'm feeling awfully lonely. and the insomnia is really getting to me.  time rushes by me while i stand still never changing. i'm slowly disappearing thats the point of this isn't it? to finally turn to nothing one pound at a time. my body's wasting away faster than i could ever imagine. i haven't eaten anything in a few days. a few days,thats as specific as i can be rite now. when you go with out sleeping for a while days start to lose there meaning. its like i'm watching a movie in fast forwards.

 i'm reaching a higher level of consciousness. having epiphany's and such. no sleep+ no food= a high unlike anything ells. i realize why holly men would fast. i'm more in tuned with my inner self than ever before. reality and my own day dreams are meshing into on strange walking dream. 

  i've reached another goal! 105 pounds. i'm getting close to my lowest weight. its going to get much harder from now on, i'll be packing on water wait. i'll be more bloated than a died seal thats been laying on the beach sense Monday. i feel like i'm rambling so i'll say bye for now