Me? Well I'm well.
Well I mean I'm in hell.
Well, I still have my health.
At least that's what they tell me.
If wellness is this,
what in hell's name is sickness?
Tired...tired of being yelled at...tired of people expecting me to get out of their way...tired of people lying to me...tired of getting hurt...tired of remembering...tired of feeling like shit...tired of being told that I'm not good enough...tired of regretting...tired of this empty feeling that always seems to take over...tired of people killing each other...tired of people ripping each other apart with words...tired of people not caring...tired of wishing I was dead and gone...tired of constantly being reminded of my losses..tired of being asked why I'm this way...tired of feeling so alone...tired of trying my best to find a reason for my life...tired of being told that these scars will fade in time...tired because I know that's not true...these scars will never fade. I'll never be able to forget.
As I shiver
in the predawn cold
of early morning
the pain of a hundred aches
and the dryness of my eyes
conspire
to drag me down to a level
where I am tired
where I lust for sleep
how I long for
the soft grey rain
to wash away those bitter hopes
when sunrise comes and brings
yet more things to be done
Monday, November 22, 2010
Friday, November 12, 2010
tea party!
The tea party is tonight! do what you need to do and join us or forever regret missing it!
http://bitemebabyx.blogspot.com/2010/11/lick-hobo.html
in other news. i have been lying by not telling. ok not really but i have been posting about things that have nothing to do with weight loss. why you ask? because the fact that my life is just a never ending circle of eat lie weigh puke eat lie weigh puke, kills me inside. i am at the peek of my young life i should be out partying laughing and loving life. i'm not. i am a fat bloated lie of a teenage girl. i am depressed no manic no cry for attention no a liar. i am another hour for dr. pleasure to have to listen to lie. i am 1,500 calories three deferent therapy's 100 deferent lies and weigh ins ever wednesday.
last time i weighed in i didnt even tell you. why? because i cried when i saw the number. 105. i'm getting fatter, and its breaking my heart. my real weight is 103.08. still disgusting. i dont want to be fat again. it took me years of pain and lies and lost friendships to get this skinny. if i get fat i'll have nothing. i'll be fat ugly little girl with no friends and no hobbys. i wont be anything good. I am the skinny girl. and it scars me to think what i would be with out it.
i cried four time this week.
i feel weird about saying this. i used to never cry. my family doesnt cry.
i should be doing homework. i have a huge essay do monday(a day after my birthday). i only have one paragraph done. and i feel like cry because i know if i dont get it done i'll look like a failure to every one at the school. last year my teacher always told me i was her favorite student, i got treated special. this year she tolerates me, i can see in her eyes i am a disappointment. i am disgusting.
intake:
B: tea(0) the rest was fed to the puppy
L squash soup(400)
they days not over yet.
i hope to see you all at tea tonight.
http://bitemebabyx.blogspot.com/2010/11/lick-hobo.html
http://bitemebabyx.blogspot.com/2010/11/lick-hobo.html
in other news. i have been lying by not telling. ok not really but i have been posting about things that have nothing to do with weight loss. why you ask? because the fact that my life is just a never ending circle of eat lie weigh puke eat lie weigh puke, kills me inside. i am at the peek of my young life i should be out partying laughing and loving life. i'm not. i am a fat bloated lie of a teenage girl. i am depressed no manic no cry for attention no a liar. i am another hour for dr. pleasure to have to listen to lie. i am 1,500 calories three deferent therapy's 100 deferent lies and weigh ins ever wednesday.
last time i weighed in i didnt even tell you. why? because i cried when i saw the number. 105. i'm getting fatter, and its breaking my heart. my real weight is 103.08. still disgusting. i dont want to be fat again. it took me years of pain and lies and lost friendships to get this skinny. if i get fat i'll have nothing. i'll be fat ugly little girl with no friends and no hobbys. i wont be anything good. I am the skinny girl. and it scars me to think what i would be with out it.
i cried four time this week.
i feel weird about saying this. i used to never cry. my family doesnt cry.
i should be doing homework. i have a huge essay do monday(a day after my birthday). i only have one paragraph done. and i feel like cry because i know if i dont get it done i'll look like a failure to every one at the school. last year my teacher always told me i was her favorite student, i got treated special. this year she tolerates me, i can see in her eyes i am a disappointment. i am disgusting.
intake:
B: tea(0) the rest was fed to the puppy
L squash soup(400)
they days not over yet.
i hope to see you all at tea tonight.
http://bitemebabyx.blogspot.com/2010/11/lick-hobo.html
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
my heart!
my heart goes out to all you lovely ladies who support and comment on my blog. i love you all so much!
I LOVE YOU ALL
i give you my heart because you all rock so much. your blogs are amazing and i love you with all my heart.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
cartoons
I'm watching Invader Zim. i love this show. it reminds me of Sunday morning curled up on the couch eating breakfast with daddy and not worrying about a thing.
what happened to those days?
do you want to know what i did today? i started reading a book about Hiroshima. its about servivors and there accounts of the day and days after the bomb was dropped. its terrifying and sad. i started cry because i worried what would happen if that happened here.i started crying because my puppy and kitties would probably die. i sobbed for like and hour for all the animals that would die. i didnt once think about my family or friends(more like friend)
does that mean i am heartless? i dont think so because i love those people...but i care for animals more? i dont know why. truthfully some times i feel like i dont know my self at all.
i think i wanted to say something in this post but i cant remember. oh well.
intake:
B: 1 cup rice(200)
L: 2 cups rice (400)
D: squash soup(500) 2 p/ bread (200)
i actually threw most of my lunch and breakfast out my bedroom window.
i should be doing homework. but i'm not, i'm too tired. well not really i'm just lying to my self. i've been fucking around on the computer all day and not doing anything. seriously i need to get a hobby i do nothing all day except obsess over calories, read, and sleep with the puppy. any ideas for hobby's?
what happened to those days?
do you want to know what i did today? i started reading a book about Hiroshima. its about servivors and there accounts of the day and days after the bomb was dropped. its terrifying and sad. i started cry because i worried what would happen if that happened here.i started crying because my puppy and kitties would probably die. i sobbed for like and hour for all the animals that would die. i didnt once think about my family or friends(more like friend)
does that mean i am heartless? i dont think so because i love those people...but i care for animals more? i dont know why. truthfully some times i feel like i dont know my self at all.
i think i wanted to say something in this post but i cant remember. oh well.
intake:
B: 1 cup rice(200)
L: 2 cups rice (400)
D: squash soup(500) 2 p/ bread (200)
i actually threw most of my lunch and breakfast out my bedroom window.
i should be doing homework. but i'm not, i'm too tired. well not really i'm just lying to my self. i've been fucking around on the computer all day and not doing anything. seriously i need to get a hobby i do nothing all day except obsess over calories, read, and sleep with the puppy. any ideas for hobby's?
Monday, November 8, 2010
tea party!
You are invited to the super fun lovely bad ass tea party!!!
TIME: 4pm(California time) 12 midnight GMT, 8pm New York, and in Aussie its some time Saturday.
on Friday nov. 12th(two days before my b day :)
place: http://www.chathour.com/chatroom/Oh_you_little...
bring a cup of tea(or your preferred beverage)
you'll need to sign up @ http://www.chathour.com/chatroom/Oh_you_little...
then you need to go to- http://bitemebabyx.blogspot.com/ and leave a comment telling you user name
it is a closed chat room so you need to leave your name that you create at K 's blog or you wont be able to get in! once you are invited, witch K will do, you can use the chat room as much as you want. We would like to do this ever week so we can really get to know each other! so please join us and have tea.
I hope to see you all! and please post this to your blog so we can have a huge tea party!!!!!!
In other news! well nothing really i havent done anything today except school work and sleeping, and of course i've been reading all your lovely blogs!
intake:
B: 1 cup of rice(200) the rest i threw away
L: 2 cup of rice(400) and a little chop suey(100)
D: home made veggie enchilada(800)
total cal intake 1,500
so ya i have to be careful of feeding the puppy my food or he'll end up really fat. and ya so i'll probably only eat half the enchilada because my parents are busy tonight so they wont be paying to much attention.
well good bye for now lovelys and dont forget to sign up at chathour.com and send K a message!
lots of love S xoxo
TIME: 4pm(California time) 12 midnight GMT, 8pm New York, and in Aussie its some time Saturday.
on Friday nov. 12th(two days before my b day :)
place: http://www.chathour.com/chatroom/Oh_you_little...
bring a cup of tea(or your preferred beverage)
you'll need to sign up @ http://www.chathour.com/chatroom/Oh_you_little...
then you need to go to- http://bitemebabyx.blogspot.com/ and leave a comment telling you user name
it is a closed chat room so you need to leave your name that you create at K 's blog or you wont be able to get in! once you are invited, witch K will do, you can use the chat room as much as you want. We would like to do this ever week so we can really get to know each other! so please join us and have tea.
I hope to see you all! and please post this to your blog so we can have a huge tea party!!!!!!
In other news! well nothing really i havent done anything today except school work and sleeping, and of course i've been reading all your lovely blogs!
intake:
B: 1 cup of rice(200) the rest i threw away
L: 2 cup of rice(400) and a little chop suey(100)
D: home made veggie enchilada(800)
total cal intake 1,500
so ya i have to be careful of feeding the puppy my food or he'll end up really fat. and ya so i'll probably only eat half the enchilada because my parents are busy tonight so they wont be paying to much attention.
well good bye for now lovelys and dont forget to sign up at chathour.com and send K a message!
lots of love S xoxo
Sunday, November 7, 2010
will you kill me?
ya i fucking wish i was died.
so yesterday i went to a family birthday party for my little cousin who is only 10, shes like the cutes thing ever. anywho i over heard her telling a friend she wants to start on a diet. what the fuck? i had to bite my lip to stop from sobing. shes 10!!! and shes nothing but bones as it is! why would she want to diet? so then i got it in my mind that it was my fauly(it is) so when we ate i sat next to her and had 4 pieces of pizza and ice cream and buffalo wings(at leat 3,000 cal) and i kept giving her food. but then when we left i sat in the bathroom sobbing and puking my guts out. i puked untill nothing but yellow watery stuff came up. and then i puked some more.
no wonder my cousin felt fat and wanted to diet. i am a horrible role model
i wont ever have kids util this sickness is gone!
so then i thought maybe i should try to get better(?)
now i am so confused i dont know what i want to do. i want to die!
yesterdays cal intake
B: none(fed it to the puppy)
L: 4 pieces of pizza(2,000) rounded up
D: 3 buffalo wings(210)
S: 1 scoop of ice cream(600) rounded up
total cal 2,810
todays cal intake
B: persimmon(20) the rest i fed to the puppy
L: persimmon(20) left over chop suey(400) rice(200)
D: i haven had it yet... i hope its small
total cal intake 640
and i went to the gym for an hour to day
1 hour on treadmill at 12 speed (300)
run to gym(50) run home(50)
then i did 2 hours of zumba and ti boa (300) i dont really know
also K i love you. your so smart and cool and your blog is so bad ass. you idea is awesome!
so yesterday i went to a family birthday party for my little cousin who is only 10, shes like the cutes thing ever. anywho i over heard her telling a friend she wants to start on a diet. what the fuck? i had to bite my lip to stop from sobing. shes 10!!! and shes nothing but bones as it is! why would she want to diet? so then i got it in my mind that it was my fauly(it is) so when we ate i sat next to her and had 4 pieces of pizza and ice cream and buffalo wings(at leat 3,000 cal) and i kept giving her food. but then when we left i sat in the bathroom sobbing and puking my guts out. i puked untill nothing but yellow watery stuff came up. and then i puked some more.
no wonder my cousin felt fat and wanted to diet. i am a horrible role model
i wont ever have kids util this sickness is gone!
so then i thought maybe i should try to get better(?)
now i am so confused i dont know what i want to do. i want to die!
yesterdays cal intake
B: none(fed it to the puppy)
L: 4 pieces of pizza(2,000) rounded up
D: 3 buffalo wings(210)
S: 1 scoop of ice cream(600) rounded up
total cal 2,810
todays cal intake
B: persimmon(20) the rest i fed to the puppy
L: persimmon(20) left over chop suey(400) rice(200)
D: i haven had it yet... i hope its small
total cal intake 640
and i went to the gym for an hour to day
1 hour on treadmill at 12 speed (300)
run to gym(50) run home(50)
then i did 2 hours of zumba and ti boa (300) i dont really know
also K i love you. your so smart and cool and your blog is so bad ass. you idea is awesome!
now something cute for you, the last one is the puppy
Friday, November 5, 2010
who want to have a tea party!!!!!
so i went to the most amazing asian market to day and i got 7 new teas!
green tea
green tea with roasted brown rice
roasted green tea
oolong tea
jasmine tea
jasmine with raspberry tea
and wild berry tea
so I've decided to celebrate my new tea by to have a tea party. At eight tonight i am having a cup of tea and please ladys join me so we can have a huge world wide tea party! i've decided on eight because that and 11:30 are when i always have cravings, so this way i can stop a binge and feel closer to all my lovely friends!
will you be joining y tea party?
i hope you will.
anywho besides getting new tea today i did well.... absolutely nothing. when i woke up it was poring out side and cold so instead of getting up i simply slept in, until 11:00. then i got up and took a scolding bath and read Tempted the 6th book in the house of night seres, which by the way i love those books! i cant wait to read the next one. then for the rest of the day i drank tea read blogs and snuggled with the two trouble makers. and i ate and ate and ate. ok not really but still i feel so full
Intake:
B: green tea(5) 1 scrambled egg(70) w/ ketchup(30)
L: top ramen(380)
D: chop suey (578) and jasmine brown rice(200)
total cal intake: 1,263
EWWWWW!!!!!
ok so i told my dad i cooked two eggs and i cooked two pieces of bread so thats why it is under. but really i only cooked one and fed the bread to the pup and all the eggs. i only took a bite, so it more like 1,213
so ladys let us have a tea party to night and say fuck you to cravings!
lots of love S xoxo oh ya go to this blog its wonderful
You Must Go On
(AFTER THOUGHT)
time zone problem! so i didnt think of the time zone thing soooo lets all drink tea tonight doesnt matter what time, soooo when you read this get a cup of tea! i'll be drinking it all night so we can drink together
next time i'll think it through a little better =)
green tea
green tea with roasted brown rice
roasted green tea
oolong tea
jasmine tea
jasmine with raspberry tea
and wild berry tea
so I've decided to celebrate my new tea by to have a tea party. At eight tonight i am having a cup of tea and please ladys join me so we can have a huge world wide tea party! i've decided on eight because that and 11:30 are when i always have cravings, so this way i can stop a binge and feel closer to all my lovely friends!
will you be joining y tea party?
i hope you will.
anywho besides getting new tea today i did well.... absolutely nothing. when i woke up it was poring out side and cold so instead of getting up i simply slept in, until 11:00. then i got up and took a scolding bath and read Tempted the 6th book in the house of night seres, which by the way i love those books! i cant wait to read the next one. then for the rest of the day i drank tea read blogs and snuggled with the two trouble makers. and i ate and ate and ate. ok not really but still i feel so full
Intake:
B: green tea(5) 1 scrambled egg(70) w/ ketchup(30)
L: top ramen(380)
D: chop suey (578) and jasmine brown rice(200)
total cal intake: 1,263
EWWWWW!!!!!
ok so i told my dad i cooked two eggs and i cooked two pieces of bread so thats why it is under. but really i only cooked one and fed the bread to the pup and all the eggs. i only took a bite, so it more like 1,213
so ladys let us have a tea party to night and say fuck you to cravings!
lots of love S xoxo oh ya go to this blog its wonderful
You Must Go On
(AFTER THOUGHT)
time zone problem! so i didnt think of the time zone thing soooo lets all drink tea tonight doesnt matter what time, soooo when you read this get a cup of tea! i'll be drinking it all night so we can drink together
next time i'll think it through a little better =)
Thursday, November 4, 2010
second post of the day
god that sad.i feel like this makes me a total loser. i mean really two post! but the last one wasnt a real post so i guess i dont need to count it.
anywho. so i weighed in last night, and it was nerve racking. but the results wear good(not for me). i ended up sewing in two rods equaling one pound and guzzled down 3 bottles of water, by the way doing this is very unpleasant. but the scale said 103. success! my parents now believe i am "getting healthy" ha! i laugh at you for being so fullish(again). i would like to point out this isn't my first time going through this so called treatment. you'd think my parents would have figured out that force feeding me isnt going to fix anything. silly silly old people, ok they arent that old but still. After everyone went to bed i got my very accurate very expensive scale out(hiding in the garage) and weighed my self in the nude. 100.4. can you say yuk. but i will cope at least until the attention is taken off me. i give it 3 months, then either my parents will stop being so persistent or my brother wil do something stupid to grab thier attention. so do you want to know how dirty i am? how naughty and disgusting?
intake for this sad sorry November day:
B: top ramen noodles(380)
L: ha i got away with not eating it!!!!
D: plain burger(440) with onion rings(740)
total cal: 1,120
so first off i got away with no lunch because cow had gone missing for like a week then like around 12ish she showed up by crashing into my bedroom window! so we wear all excited and distracted. thank you cow! and horay! i got a few cals under what i was supposed to eat. sadly it still about 1,000 cals over what i would have liked to eat. i snuk in an extra 15 minutes of exercise, i lied to my dad and said the puppy got away from me and i had to chase him down(i'm a filthy liar) and yet i didnt feel at all guilty about it. i got a 30 minute run in today + i did silent workouts in my room this afternoon. i feel good...ish. i still ate like a fucking pig!
tomorrow is family therapy. i am soo not looking forward to it. 30 minutes of awkwardness and lies. not what i would like to do with y Friday. not that i actually have anything to do but still, i would have found something to do if it meant i could get out of this family therapy thing. i think i mite take a few extra antidepressants. maybe i can drift through it on a drug induced cloud. that would be a lot easier than trying to do it sober. ahh if only y parents new that making me healthy was actually making me turn to drugs(again) for support to deal with them(and everyone ells) do you think they will notice? did they notice when i was a junky last time ? no. so i'm guessing unless i puke up on sunday morning pancakes(again) they wont notice.
they say a person never changes. in my case it seems to be true. last time i went through this hell i did the same things i'm doing now. and last time my parents wear clueless, and they defanintly havent changed.
well i guess its off to do god knows what with my gobs of useless time. i really need a hobby or something.
lots of love S xoxo
p.s i love you lovely lady's your comments really keep me going.
p.p.s here is some pictures of the two trouble makers(btw the puppy became depressed when cow disappeared) my best friend has them in my bag! i love her with all my heart but she looks a little fat in these photos. and do you see those big puking things, ya cow hides in those.
the pup is being festively chipper in his winter apparel ^.^ p.p.p.s my house looks seriously messy!
anywho. so i weighed in last night, and it was nerve racking. but the results wear good(not for me). i ended up sewing in two rods equaling one pound and guzzled down 3 bottles of water, by the way doing this is very unpleasant. but the scale said 103. success! my parents now believe i am "getting healthy" ha! i laugh at you for being so fullish(again). i would like to point out this isn't my first time going through this so called treatment. you'd think my parents would have figured out that force feeding me isnt going to fix anything. silly silly old people, ok they arent that old but still. After everyone went to bed i got my very accurate very expensive scale out(hiding in the garage) and weighed my self in the nude. 100.4. can you say yuk. but i will cope at least until the attention is taken off me. i give it 3 months, then either my parents will stop being so persistent or my brother wil do something stupid to grab thier attention. so do you want to know how dirty i am? how naughty and disgusting?
intake for this sad sorry November day:
B: top ramen noodles(380)
L: ha i got away with not eating it!!!!
D: plain burger(440) with onion rings(740)
total cal: 1,120
so first off i got away with no lunch because cow had gone missing for like a week then like around 12ish she showed up by crashing into my bedroom window! so we wear all excited and distracted. thank you cow! and horay! i got a few cals under what i was supposed to eat. sadly it still about 1,000 cals over what i would have liked to eat. i snuk in an extra 15 minutes of exercise, i lied to my dad and said the puppy got away from me and i had to chase him down(i'm a filthy liar) and yet i didnt feel at all guilty about it. i got a 30 minute run in today + i did silent workouts in my room this afternoon. i feel good...ish. i still ate like a fucking pig!
tomorrow is family therapy. i am soo not looking forward to it. 30 minutes of awkwardness and lies. not what i would like to do with y Friday. not that i actually have anything to do but still, i would have found something to do if it meant i could get out of this family therapy thing. i think i mite take a few extra antidepressants. maybe i can drift through it on a drug induced cloud. that would be a lot easier than trying to do it sober. ahh if only y parents new that making me healthy was actually making me turn to drugs(again) for support to deal with them(and everyone ells) do you think they will notice? did they notice when i was a junky last time ? no. so i'm guessing unless i puke up on sunday morning pancakes(again) they wont notice.
they say a person never changes. in my case it seems to be true. last time i went through this hell i did the same things i'm doing now. and last time my parents wear clueless, and they defanintly havent changed.
well i guess its off to do god knows what with my gobs of useless time. i really need a hobby or something.
lots of love S xoxo
p.s i love you lovely lady's your comments really keep me going.
p.p.s here is some pictures of the two trouble makers(btw the puppy became depressed when cow disappeared) my best friend has them in my bag! i love her with all my heart but she looks a little fat in these photos. and do you see those big puking things, ya cow hides in those.
the pup is being festively chipper in his winter apparel ^.^ p.p.p.s my house looks seriously messy!
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