i don't need some one telling me how i feel!!!

I really hate when people preach at me. If i was miserable and hated myself i'd get help. but i don't, so i don't need people telling me i need to seek god. so fuck you miss. i have enough people telling me i'm miserable. well guess what i'm not. sure i get depressed sometimes, but hey its not because i hate myself its because i have insomnia. and my god never scares me into doing what he wants. my god just want me to be happy and kind to others. so again fuck off.
 ok sorry, about the rant. i hate when people try to push there beliefs on me. and i hate it even more when people try to tell me how i feel. I KNOW HOW I FEEL THERE MY FEELINGS!!! shit.

so i totally failed the fast!
i ate today not much but still. i feel like a fatty.

intake:
geen tea(5)
a bite of cookie ice cream(like 5ish???)
and a bite of cookie dough(5ish??)
so like 15 calories

god i'm such a pig. a big fat piggaly wigally. a nasty fat ass. ok not really but still i will die if i gain. it took forever  for me to lose this much weight! i need to stay down.

THINSPO!!! underwear

EWWWWWWW. that is so nasty, i really wana throw up rite now. i wont be eating anytime soon

god i feel great! 99.5 pounds!!!

god i'm sooooo happy. i never want to eat again. i feel soooo good! 

HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HOLY SHIT, HOLY SHIT, HOLY SHIT!!!


YOU'LL NEVER GUESS!!!


DID YOU GUESS??????


ITS AMAZING !!!!!!!!


THE MOST AMAZING THING EVER!!!!!!!!!


I THINK I MITE DIE FROM HAPPINESS AND EXCITEMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I WEIGHED IN JUST NOW!!!


YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT IT IS?


ITS REALLY GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!






















































99.5 POUNDS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




DOUBLE DIGIT! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT I SCREAMED WHEN I SAW THE NUMBER
I HAVE TO THANK ALL YOU GIRLS FOR ALL YOUR GREAT INSPIRATION!!! 


I'M SOOO HAPPY!


DO YOU WANNA SEE PICS? 


I THINK I'M GONNA TAKE SOME TONIGHT 


SO IF YOU DO JUST SAY AND I'LL TAKE SOME   

fuck being sick!

i woke up this morning with a killer cold, i cant breath through my nose, my throats sore, and my eyes are watery!!! god i hate being sick. but hey i'm looking on the bright side, i have no desire to eat because i know it will hurt like hell when it goes down my throat.
 and i'd like to ask a question. how the hell does a body that doesn't consume anything make waste?! i mean really i was feeling a little bloated so i took a laxy, and holy hell i had a rough night. i mean really it just doesnt make sense. 
 i woke up this morning to cow and the puppy playing around on my bed. i had a dog growling at my feet and a cat clutching my chest with very sharp claws! not a good way to wake up. really today hasn't been   very good. its 100 degrease out. so i feel like i'm gonna die, i'm sick and i have to do two essays, read a book, rite a summary of said book, and take two testes by Thursday. witch is my fault because i was putting it off but still! shit i dont want to do them. what i want to do is sleep in my parents air conditioned room, and read all my favorite blogs. so now i have to deiced to either be lazy, or to do my work. so what do you think i should do? 
 i'm thinking i'll be lazy and read! maybe i'll tell my teacher i'm to sick to go to our meeting on Thursday. i know its not responsible but still i have strait A's i should be aloud to take off one day. 
 has anyone read The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho?  if you have did you write something for school for it? and if you did do you want to let me use it? ^.^ because i really dont want to read it! 

 here's some thinspo!

do you really want to look like this just because you want a burger?

second post of the day!

still haven't eaten anything!!    


also i went to the beach tonight to watch the sunset and get some energy out of my puppy. and i need to get away from the heat it was 102 today. i went to bodega bay 

 it was really nice. i've almost finished my book!! yay. but i havent even started reading the book i'm supposed to be half way through for school....oops. oh well i'll look up what happened at the end.


I love you bellaAnna!!! i love reading your blog and comments, thank you! your blog is a reason to get out of bed in the morning. and your beautiful, your like the girls from thinspo blogs. stay safe and stay strong. your always in my thoughts. 
love you girl!


lots of love S xoxo

i'm back!

i missed everyone over the weekend. i was gonna post yesterday but then i went to go to the bathroom and when i got out my dog had bitten of the enter, backspace, and \ keys, luckily they didn't brake there just retarded and don't really spring back when you push them. so instead of posting i had to freakout and try to fix them before my dad came home.

ok so the weekend went really well. first the fast. i didn't eat the whole weekend! despite my friend telling me i should eat. but then i said it was for a religious thing so she left me alone. so ya i only drank tea through the last like four days. ya for me. also when i got home cow had been missing. we where all really sad. but then she showed up in the evening. it was really exciting. we all missed her. i went swimming this weekend because it was like 100 out, yuk! it was really fun, a really cute guy kept hitting on me. i love when i get positive attention. i also started reading marked, its in the series the house of night. i think theres like 8 books. its really good, i love the main character.

oh ya i totally forgot i order green contact lenses. they're not corrective lenses there just for looks, and i look awesome in them. they make my eye green like a cats. sadly there extremely hard to put on and really uncomfortable, they really take some getting used to. i'll try to take some pictures later i just put them in, but my eyes look all red for like the first 2  or 3 minutes after i put them in. the store is super cool because there really cheep, and they only last for 90 days so you can buy a cheep pair to see if you like contacts. here a link to the store http://www.youknowit.com/   they really have some cool contacts.

weird i just went to upload a photo and its all new and weird.

so i haven't eaten anything to day, and i'm really enjoying the fast but sadly i have to eat this weekend because i'm going to a family thing up on the reservation...i don't think I've mentioned that i grew up on the Indian reservation. my moms Indian. but anywho if i don't eat my grandparents will be seriously offended and i'll be in a world of shit. so i can only fast until Sunday. witch totally sucks. but then on Monday i'm totally starting up on the fast again. why do i have to come from a family whos main focus is eating shit food?

sorry i haven't commented on everyones blog, i promise i'm reading them its just everyone posted a lot over the weekend so i'm all backed up....ha ew that makes me think of poopie.

love you all, i hope you stay strong lady's. as always my hearts with you. xoxo S

Fast day 2

So i started the fast with  BellaAna  yesterday. i haven't eaten sense 11:30ish in the morning
 yesterday. just tea.


yesterday:
2:00pm: green tea(5)
5:00pm: peppermint tea(5)
8:00pm: chamomile tea(2)
11:00pm: chamomile tea(2)


total cal for fast= 14
total cal for the whole day=43


i also whet to the gym yesterday.
walk to gym(25)
1 1/2 hours run(400)
30 minutes on the bike(200)
run home about(50ish)
total cal burned  575 


i'm SO tired today though so i wont be working out that much. i'm also going to a friends for the weekend. so i wont be posting tell Monday... probably. i'm telling her parents i'm fasting for a medical thing, i'm hoping there wont be too many questions about it. so obviously i'll be continuing the fast. its like 10 am so i've only had one cup of tea so far. chamomile tea(2)
cow has to stay home alone this weekend. y parents are going to San Francisco for the weekend. i' worried about her. she has enough food and everything, and she nows how to use the litter box...but still she hasn't been left alone. 


my mom made cupcakes and cookies and a cake!!! i swear shes trying to kill me. there just sitting in the kitchen whispering to my to come taste them. but i wont, i owe it to BellaAna to do this fast! at least thats what i'm telling my self. the cupcakes are red velvet with homemade cream cheese frosting, peanut butter cookies, and a chocolate cake with peanut butter frosting. and she just started making homemade peanut butter cups!!! i hate her rite now. ok so i' gonna go make  some tea and go take a shower so bye for the weekend loves!


stay strong and beautiful lot of love S xoxo

planning a fast!

ok so i'm trying to type this really fast i'm not really supposed to be on the computer rite now. \

so we brought cow to the shelter yesterday, she doesn't have a chip! yay. i think we're defiantly going to keep her. my mom is trying to find a house for her, but y dad has totally fallen in love with her. i really hope we can keep her.

yesterday food wise went really well. i had:
B green tea (5)
L 1/2 cup of wild rice(80)
D 1 cup  meso broth(48)  5 pieces of 2 inch seaweed strips(5)
total cal 138

also i' planning a fast with BellaAna 
one that is really long over due, i haven't fasted properly in ages. so ya that will be fun. 


today i ate:
B green tea(5) 
L 1/2 cup of meso broth(24)

thank you to all you sweet girls who comment on my blog, every one means a lot to me. they really help me get through my day!

my sweet hearts!

ok so most of these where taken with camera phones so sorry if they arent good
also the one of my puppy is silly because he has a wash cloth tied around his head but it was the only one i could find

this is kitty my cat. her real name is frijoles

this is demon kitty(aka Katy) shes my moms friends cat we're watching her

this is my puppy =) hes got a wash cloth tied around his head















and this is the sweet new kitty Cow

isnt she adorable?!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok bye loves xoxo

my day has turned around

yay cow came back! and now shes running around the house with my puppy. shes chasing him, and when she doesn't want to play he sneaks up and nips at her tail its so silly cute!! i love them, but tomorrow me and y dad are going to the shelter to see if shes micro chipped. i hope she isn't i really want to keep her. my dad has become attached to her so i think we'll be keeping her if she isn't chipped. yay!!! shes sooo cute she has a little black hart on her foot! ok sorry i'm going on and on about cow, i just love animals..my pets are like the only thing in my life that always make me happy!!

for dinner i ate the soup as planned and i got some new make up, theres a new make up store near my house. in case you didn't know i have a small addiction to make up. then i took a 3 hour snap! i feel great tonight i'm gonna take some sleeping meds so i'll get to sleep tonight!

i love all you guys your blogs and comment really keep me going through the day

love you girls!!

S xoxo

not a good day

cows gone she ran outside about 30 minutes ago and she hasnt shown up. i'm hoping she'll come back i really wanted to keep her.

last night i went to the gym and sprained my ankle it really hurts!!

today has really just been all around bad. i ate way to much and i cant even work out to burn the cals. so guess what i did to get rid of the food? i purged and took laxys. i'm stupid. i keep looking at myself in the mirror, and i hate it i hate the way i look. i hate that i look sick, and i hate the way i look fat. i hate it.

so i was taking forever to rite this and cow showed up for food and water then she left again. yay

todays food intake:
B: the white of a hard boiled egg(15) green tea(5)=20
L: 1 cup of meso broth(48) 8 pieces of tofu(80) 1 cup of wild rice (164)=292
total cal 312

i'm a pig!!!

for dinner i' gonna try to have
1/4 cup of Campbell's chicken noodle soup(35)
2 1/2 lemon cucumbers (5)
40 cal

new kitty

i found a cat today i named it cow. shes tiny. white with black spots and a black nose. shes really cute my two other cats dont like her, and my puppy wants to play with her. i wanna keep her, but my dad says we have to take her to the shelter tomorrow to see if she has a micro chip then we need to see if theres any posters up for her. then if nothing comes up then we can keep her...maybe. i really hope we can shes so sweet. its probably not a good idea though we rent our house, and we aren't even supposed to have animals. we have one cat one temporary cat that we're watching and a dog..

todays been really good!

i ate
B half a hard boiled egg(25) green tea(5)
L skipped i was to distracted by our new kitty
D 1/2 cup Campbell's chicken noodle soup(70)

total 100 cal

its wet

its raining today. really heavy loud rain. the first real rain of the year. my dad thinks its gonna floods this year. i hope it does i love it when it floods. heres my home town when it floods

i've decided the reason i'm so heavy is because its that time of the month. today i weigh 102....i hate when i flip flop like this. oh well. i smashed my finger in the car door today...it hurts really bad, it was all bloody, and now its swollen. but on the bright side i slept for 5 hours last night!!! i feel great.

i found one of my old food journals. it was weird reading the changes.
the first entry was July 5th '08: B green tea(5), L 2 strawberries(8), D 2 diet pills and a smoke (13cal)
that was rite before i went into treatment. then the last entry was January 3rd '09: B 2 scrambled eggs(140) two pieces of toast about (200) w/ butter=(340) L: 2 cups of white rice(320) a banana(100)=(420) D: steak(650) 1 cup mashed potatoes(250) about 2 cups of broccoli(100)=1000 total 1360

so i went from 13 calories in a day to over 1,000 in 6 months! that can not be good for my body. no wonder i gained like 40 pounds! and now i' back to under 200 a day... my body must be so messed up.

lazy ass

well first of all, i went to the doctors and it went really well. she was a new doctor i haven't seen before. she gave me a new sleeping pill, a pill for my RLS. and she told me i didnt need to take anti depressants anymore!!! i love her. so hopefully my med will be kicking in soon and i'll finally get some rest.

so i laid in bed tell 12 in the afternoon got up ate and went and laid back on the coach. its now 4 and i've been laying around all day. i really haven't done anything. it mite be because of my new meds, or its because i'm a fat lazy cow. i've gained!!!! its disgusting.

i now weigh 103 pounds again. i'm hoping its because i'm on my period. witch i hope ends soon i've been having killer cramps!! i hate it

fall is here

thank you girls for your comments its nice to know someone cares.

i doubt i was ever really going to do it. its just been one of those days.....well more like one of those weeks. i'm going to the doctors today so hopefully i'll be getting better sleeping meds. then hopefully i'll actually take them. my mom wants me to get different anti-depressants. fuck her. i'm sick of being pumped full of poison. i'm sick of becoming a zombie because my parents don't know how to handle there own child....my puppy's sick so i also have to go to the vets today....this week has been total shit! i'm tired, my puppy's sick, i binged, i purged, i thought about suicide. FML. oh well i'll try to make tomorrow a better day.

its totally cold out i'm huddled under a blanket and rapped in fluffy coats. i think its gonna rain..its turning into fall.

how hard would it be

to kill myself?

all it would take is the rest of my sleeping pills(30ish)

and a hot bath.

i'd just go to sleep in a warm beth.

how nice

i'd finally get some rest, some rest from this eating problem. rest from everybody.

how nice, how peaceful and resting.

i could do it at night with the window open and the night hugging me.

disgusting

hey guess what?

i'm a cow

an ugly fatty

a pig

an obese whale

i don't deserve to have a mouth

i should sew my own mouth shut

i should cut the fat of my thighs with a stake knife!!!!

theres nothing good about me

all i am is fat and a stupid calorie counter for a brain

i'm disgusting!

i binged....bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad
i ate around 1000 calories and now i'm paying for it.

in case you didn't know when you eat under 150 cal for a long time then stuff your face your body's gonna be mad!

i have raging diarrhea( i know ewww but its true)

my stomach hurts too and i cant stop purging

my throats raw and my face is puffy

i'm just throwing up water and stomach acid so i know theres nothing left but i cant stop myself i feel so dirty and nasty

i want to step in front of oncoming traffic

i wont be eating tomorrow or the next day

who knows i mite not ever eat again

i mite just stop eating forever and die

i deserve to die

i'm disgusting

i hate everything about myself

i'm tired

i'm tired of people complaining at me
i'm tired of me complaining at other people
i'm tired of not being able to sleep
i'm tired of not eating
i'm tired of having to eat to live
i'm tired of headaches 
i'm tired of taking my meds
i'm tired of my parents looking at me like i'm stupid 
i'm tired of doctors poking me and telling me i'm not good enough 
i'm tired of people talking about me when they think i cant hear
i'm tired of my  health getting worse
i'm tired of feeling lonely
i'm tired of  purging
i'm tired of wanting to get high
i'm tired of being scared of him
i'm tired of think about him
i'm tired of being tired
i want to go to sleep and not wake up!!!!!!!!!!!

random rambling

i had fun at my sister. she kept pestering me about my weight. no surprise there. I've started school so i probably wont post every day but i'll try. i was looking through my moms closet when i found my old cloths from when i was in 6th grade. i can almost fit into them! its super exciting....i barely slept in the last few days so i'm kinda scatter brained, so sorry if this post is all over the place. i have to go to the doctors tomorrow. i'm really not looking forward to it i know he'll just complain to me. i hate doctors. i hate how they try to tell me how i should feel, and what i should be doing. and i hate how they poke me with there cold gloves. last nigh i think i spent like an hour just sitting in front of the fridge looking into it. all i can think about is food lately. i hate it, i hate that i'm not normal some times....but i don't hate that i'm so thin i love it. i really want to binge rite now, i'm guna take my puppy on a walk instead hopefully that will help stop the binge. then i think i mite try to sleep a little bit.

todays food intake
B chamomile tea(2) lemon cucumber(2)
L chamomile tea(2) two strawberries(8)
for dinner i'll have
1 cup boiled zucchini(30) 1/2 boiled egg(25)
total cal 69

weekend at the sisters house

yay! i get to spend the weekend with my sister! i'm really excited but not at the same time. i dont really wont to deal with her bitching at me about my weight and eating habits. i know she'll try to get me to eat she always does. i have to bring my puppy its guna be crazy, she has a 9 month old rottweiler who tries to play with my puppy. her pup is 100 pounds. mine is barely 6! its always a fight to try to keep him from being smashed.

anywho i probably wont post for the weekend.

todays food consumption

 D6 

green tea(5)

1/4 cup beef broth (20)

25 cal!!!! 

tomorrow is the end of my liquid fast.

D7

green tea(5)

1/4 cup meso broth(12)

then Sunday i'll have

green tea(5) lemon cucumber(2) 

1/2 cup meso broth (24) 3 cubes of tofu(15) 

46 cal for the day

14 calories!!

so i went to school and it all went well. i saw i guy there i used to go to school with, he was a total ass. but he said i looked great. i love a good compliment.
my classes

algebra 1
world history(Howard Zen book)
English(girl interrupted)
life science
astronomy
graphic arts witch includes photography
drivers ed
PE

i'm really excited about it!

my teacher commented about my weight she said i looked sick. so what should i think. one person said i looked good the other said i looked sick!

i hate it!!
my mom came home today with Kim. both of them are named Kim its weird. and both my dad and brother are named James!

todays food
D5 
chamomile tea(2)
1/4 cup meso broth(12)


14 calories!!!!

bullshit losertown

so i went to losertown, and i've decided its bullshit

day	Weight	Calories Used	Your Calorie Deficit
09/15/2010	98.86	1732.48	1532.48
09/22/2010	95.81	1715.86	1515.86
09/29/2010	92.79	1699.41	1499.41
10/06/2010	89.81	1683.15	1483.15
10/13/2010	86.85	1667.06	1467.06

BULLSHIT!!!

i will not be 86 pounds on October 13! bullshit i doubt i'll be 90. i mean really this thing is just stupid.


todays intake
earl grey tea(7)
1/4 cup chicken broth(20)




27 calories!!




sadly i didnt work out to day the day just slipped away from me.
my moms coming home tomorrow from her road trip, well actually more like at 3am. shes bring Kim and kims cat with her. my cats gonna be pissed...my puppy wont be mad he'll love it.


i'm not really excited to share our tiny house with another person. four people barley fit!!
and i hate letting other people see my day to day habits...i'm really not looking forward to it. i hope she finds a house soon....

cold weather

im freezing! i'm wearing a shit load of close but seriously i'm freezing. i hope it warms up today. i wana go to the gym but theres no way i'm walking there in this weather. i'll be starting school tomorrow. i'm nervous. i dont really know why, no one but my teacher will see me. but still, i havent seen her sense the end of school. i feel like a pig when i go out i hate it...

any who still on my diet its the morning so i've only had tea

earl grey(7)

school soon

my nose hurts!! a lot and its all bruised. oh well.

i'm still not eating.

 D3
peppermint tea (5)
1/4 cup beef broth(20) 

28 cal!

ya for me! 

i'm starting school Thursday. i dont really want to go but...its is better than normals school. i do independent study by the way i dont know if i've mentioned that or not. i can't go to normal school because of my insomnia i just sleep through the classes. 

blah today has been totally boring so i dont have much to report about

dog bite!

i just got rushed home from my friends house!  her dog bit me on the nose its disgusting looking! it hurts like a bitch! and my nose is all swollen.

god i have fat cheeks in this photo...like an ugly chipmunk

18 calories!!

i despise my body. its vile and broken! i hate how it doesn't sleep! i hate how it jiggles!...sorry random but true!

i went swimming today with my friend and my brother! it was so fun. i love feeling weightless.  my friend kept hitting on my brothers girlfriend. i know it petty but it made me jealous. shes totally gorges, shes tiny and skinny. shes healthy looking, and she has great boobs. i hate her for how she can look healthy and happy. why can't i be like that? why do i have to starve my self !! she is a bit chubby though... she weighs at least 15 more pounds than me.

i hate how mean i can be.

still not eating solids!!

only tea and broth......I'll be double digit soon.

D2

vanilla tea(6)

1/4 cup meso broth(12)  

18 calories!!!!!!!!!!

work out

walk to gym(25)

2 hour slow walk up hill(200)

walk home(25)

my work out just about killed me!

i've been so tired lately i think i'll take my meds to night

thank you for all your nice comment. they really mean a lot to me

lots of love S

3 days and no sleep

shit....

why wont my body let me sleep!!!!!!!!!

i'm so tired i just want to sleep! my mind is getting all weird. every thing looks a little strange....

when i say something my own voice in my ears it doesn't sound rite. and i'm starting to get slap happy....

i hate it i feel stupid laughing at every thing.

i want to sleep but i dont want to take my meds. they always make me want to eat.....

so i have to decides between sleep and my weight....guess what my answer is

no sleep for me i guess.
oh well i'll live

men make me happy

i took my puppy to the dog park today and there was a guy there from Holland. he was super hot! and he had a sexy accent. he was so nice he kept flirting with me and telling me how pretty i was. i feel great. i know he was to old for me but it still made me feel good. i love when guys notice me. and i love a man with a good accent.

i stayed with the fast!
just tea and broth today!

D1 green tea(5) 1/4 cup of meso broth(12)

17 calories!!!!


god it feels great. hopefully by the end of this week i'll be at my first goal(100 pounds)

god i hope so

overreactions

ok so last nights post was an overreaction. i have to be positive. i have to give myself credit where credit is due. i lost 3 lbs...but i think 2 of those were just water weight........

i wont to weigh my self but i'm terrified it will be too high.....i think i'm gonna do it cross your fingers for me......

ok soooo i did it. and as always i didnt like it. not at all. 101.5  i'm a pig. a big fat nasty cow. i have no rite to eat. stupid cow. pig fatty. my ass is huge. my legs are huge. my tummy is a fuck planet. i'm disgusting 


god i want to purge then run 10 miles. i hate it. 

am i a freak?

ok so i love to watch the food network its like my food porn! i love watching people eat! i dont know why. does anyone ells do this or am i a total freak for doing this? also i love looking up recipes i'll spend hours online looking up recipes. seriously i have seven huge binders full of them...yet i barely eat. its weird. and i love cooking....god as i'm reading this i feel totally freakish.

anywho on another note i want to start a fast of sorts.

D1
green tea(5)
1/4 cup meso broth(12)

D2
vanilla tea(6)
1/4 cup meso broth(12)

D3
peppermint tea (5)
1/4 cup beef broth(20)

D4
earl grey tea(7)
1/4 cup chicken broth(20)

D5
chamomile tea(2)
1/4 cup meso broth(12) 


D6
green tea(5)
1/4 cup beef broth(20) 


D7
green tea(5)
1/4 cup meso broth(12) 


total calories for the week 142!!!
yay!! i'll feel soooo amazing if i stick to this plan!!

spaghetti westerns

today theres a Clint Eastwood marathon!!! yay! i love his movies. i'm a total sucker for spaghetti westerns.

my dads sitting next to me with a big bowl of buttery popcorn. i'm dieing to taste it. i can pretty much taste the warm butter in my mouth. its killing me...so i jumped on the computer so i could read everyones blog. seeing everyones progress make me not want to eat. i've been doing so good lately i cant fail now.

todays food intake
B:  lemon cucumber(2)
L: half lemon cucumber(1)
S: half lemon cucumber (1)
for dinner i'll have
lemon cucumbers(2)green tea(5) 1/4cup of wild rice(41)
total cal 52

todays work out
walk to gym(25)
30 minutes elliptical(150)
run home(100)
cals burned 275

hope every one stays strong

-S xoxo

i woke up this morning to find out my puppy had gotten into one of those cheese packets they give you when you order pizza. thank parents for leaving that wear he could get it. my room was covered in white powder cheese!...

but luckily the rest of the day went much better! i barely ate to day! and i worked out a lot more than i had planned. last night i blacked out randomly. i'm not sure why. i mean i've gone ages without out eating and not blacked out. and i ate yesterday so i think it might have been because i was sick...i've started back up on my sleeping meds. i hate them because they make my apatite crazy, so i'll have to be extra strong. and i guess i can suppress it. and anyways i really need sleep. so i'm thinking i'll only take them when my insomnia gets really bad.

B: water(0)
L: water half lemon cucumber(1)
S: half lemon cucumber(1)
for dinner i'll have
1/2 a cup of meso broth(25) 2 cubes of tofu(10) i'm a pig for indulging in the tofu

my workout
walk to gym(25)
hour jog up hill(300)
walk home(25)

i don't want to!

Fuck me!!!

my parents have noticed i'm losing weight again. they want to send me back to a therapists...again. fuck i hate them...i hope its a man. they seem to be easier to convince that i'm ok. i hope i can convince them that i'm fine. winter is coming soon so i'll be able to hide my weight lose better.

anywho on a happier note, it was water weight i weighed my self today. i'm at 103!!!
almost to 100!!

yay!!

i'm on a total high about my wieght so i think i'll be fasting soon

tommorow i'll consume

B water  lemon cucumber (2)
L water  lemon cucumber(2)
S water half lemon cucumber(1)
D 1/2 cup of meso broth(25)
total 30 cal

work out
walk to gym(25)
30 minutes walk up hill(100 burned)
walk back home(25)
total burned 150

-120

i did awesome today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I did so good today!

i ate even less than i had planned, sadly it was only because i was feeling dreadfully nauseas this morning so i could barely stomach tea.

what i consumed

B: tea(5)

L: half of a lemon cucumber (1)

S: half lemon cucumber(1)

D: 1 cup Meso broth(50)

total 57 calories 

i'm still feeling sick so i wont be eating anything ells.but i haven't been able to work out at all today

its true i did. i lied my way out of 5 therapist offices and two treatment facility's.

i caught a glimpse of my self naked in my mirror. it was treacherous. really it was so bad.

i think i mite have new addiction. shopping online. i bought a shit load of stuff online...i charged it to victors card..hes gonna be pissed, yet i cant find it in my self to care...at all. and anyways i deserve it hes an ass that no one but me would put up with..so he should be happy i do..ass

on another note i ate a bit today. i had:

two lemon cucumbers
a piece of toast
five carrot sticks and a few cheerios dry

i'm a pig. how will i start to lose weight when i'm such a pig.i'm a big ugly pig mcpig. really fat and nasty.

i'm at 106..i hope its water weight.
 B: green tea(5)
L: half lemon cucumber green tea(6)
S: green tea half lemon cucumber(6)
D:1 cup meso broth(50) 3 cubes of tofu in soup(15)
total 82
workout
1 hour of fast running up hill-400
20 minutes elliptical-100
30 minutes walk to gym and back-50
550 cal burned

i'll be doing this tell next Wednesday

so anywho bye for now
xoxo S